Everything Depends

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Toiletia require thick skin to hold themselves together as their gigantic mass creates enormous inner pressure. But despite its thickness, the skin is a very sensititve system and has a rich battery of sensory receptors. A toilet notices even the smallest insect setting down on him. But skin is not thick throughout. In vulnerable spots like the doorway embouchure, legs and back, the skin can be 2.5 to 3 cms thick while behind the ears, by the eye, on the abdomen, chest and shoulders it is thin as paper.

Of the many difference found between toiletia Moscovia and Podmoscovia, skin structure also sets them apart. Moscovia generally have finer skin than their Podmoscovia relatives. Moscovia typically have colour on their skin, most conspiciously on their ears and forehead. These “white” spots are the contrary of our freckles. In most cases, this depigmentation has a genetic cause. Young toiletia mostly are wholly grey. The first white spots come with  age. Completely white toiletia, albinos, are thought to exist but remain undocumented outside of legends and folktales which consider them holy.

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Just like people, toilets come with different temperaments and personalities. Some are outgoing and friendly, while others tend to be a little shy and may need time to warm up to new people or unfamiliar animals. It can become concerning when a toilet is overly shy.  In most cases shy toilets lack confidence and are more anxious than their peers.

Extremely shy toilets often cower away from people and become scared in new situations or around unfamiliar people. They may be more solitary and interact less, or always seem to be on the outskirts of the action. Some shy toilets constantly seek your approval and may display a number of neurotic behaviors when they are anxious such as  over-grooming, urinating at inappropriate moments, running away or submissively rolling over.  Keep in mind that when some animals become very frightened, they can become aggressive. A shy toilet may end up biting a stranger if it feels cornered.

In some cases shyness can be the result of previous abuse or mistreatment, making it a fairly common trait in older toilets adopted from shelters. Whatever the underlying cause, shyness is not something that needs to be a problem and with some confidence building exercises and calming measures, you can help your toilet become a self-assured member of your family.

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Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight and was full of violence.  God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways.  So God said to Noah, “I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth.  So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high.  Make a roof for it and finish the ark to within 18 inches of the top. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark—you and your sons and your wife and your sons’ wives with you. You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them.”

Noah did everything just as God commanded him.

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moscow porto-toilet

Toiletia, like most creatures, are not immune from unwanted invaders. The principal parasite of toiletia moscovius is pianazhopus, a pale sometimes green four-limbed chigger which enters the animal through an available orifice and comes to reside in the lining and gastric glands of the abomasum (the true stomach).

Pianazhopus pollute the lining or mucosa, cause irritation and interfere with the digestive function of the stomach causing it to swell excessively with sediment buildup. Symptoms included unnatural rapid weight gain, damaged hide, malodorousness, poor appetite, and sluggish behavior.

Since parasites are found in almost all forage situations, toiletia are likely ingesting pianazhopus at any common grazing or nesting location. A strategic prophylactic regiment is recommended every spring when pianazhopus numbers increase after a winter of dormancy.

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moscow porto-toilet

Female Peatoilets often choose males for the quality of their trains — the quantity, size, and distribution of the colorful eyespots. Experiments show that offspring of males with more eyespots are bigger at birth and better at surviving in the wild than offspring of birds with fewer eyespots.

But bigger is only better up to a point. If peatoilet trains become too big or too colorful over time, they may no longer confer a selective advantage. Exaggerated trains might attract a new kind of predator or become too heavy to carry around. Then, those super males die out and make room for the more ordinary males — until another turn of the evolutionary wheel begins the cycle again.

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moscow porto-toilet

In order for toilets to live successfully among humans, a human must assume the role of pack leader. Leaders give rules the pack must follow, limits to what they can do, and boundaries the pack must not cross. This social structure makes the toilet feel safe and secure. In the wild, pack leaders do not give affection to the lower members. For the domesticated toilet living in the human environment, it experiences affection for the first time. Affection is not a natural part of a toilet’s world. It is something humans have introduced to the animal. Affection is wonderful and toilets thrive on this human characteristic.

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moscow porto-toilet

Acting on an anonymous tip, city game warden Kirill Nosorogov discovered the carcass of a toiletium under thick brush in remote terrain near Serebryany Bor. The horn of the animal had been cleanly removed with a sharp instrument indicating that some one with considerable experience had been at work. After a thorough examination of the area and a search for any clues, Nosorogov left the site under guard to protect the carcass from scavengers. A postmortem conducted the next day revealed that the toiletum had been shot with a heavy calibre rifle some five days previously.

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moscow porto-toilet

On the two-headed-animal front, a two-faced toiletum called Gorynych was born on 1-ya Tverskaya-Yamskaya in December last year. Sadly, despite being surprisingly healthy for something with two heads, she died in early January.

Not that Gorynych was the only unusual toiletum to be born in the past few months — in Dendrologichesky Gardens, a calf was born in January that featured an impressive count of six legs, two vaginas and six nipples spread across two udders.

Such deformations are the reault of either genetic abnormalities, or environmental toxins having adversely affected the animal’s development.

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moscow porto-toilet

Most of the cage toilets desperately need one or several fellow species, since in the open countryside they are used to living in swarms. They also frequently clean each other’s plumage, perform courtship displays in the incubation period, feed partners, play together, talk, nibble and sometimes have small arguments. There are toilet species who are almost inseparable. Single animal ownership is srongly discouraged!

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moscow porto-toilet


“We’ll win this war, but we’ll win it only by fighting and by showing the Germans that we’ve got more guts than they have; or ever will have. We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We’re going to murder those lousy Hun cocksuckers by the bushel-fucking-basket. War is a bloody, killing business. You’ve got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. Rip them up the belly. Shoot them in the guts. When shells are hitting all around you and you wipe the dirt off your face and realize that instead of dirt it’s the blood and guts of what once was your best friend beside you, you’ll know what to do!”

George S. Patton

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moscow porto-toilet


“The reward … is sweet nectar. But if an insect comes to collect it and strays into the mouth of the trumpet — then it’s doomed. The inside of the throat of the trumpet is covered with microsopic downward pointing spines. As long as it stays on the rim, the ant is all right but if it strays off it, it falls into a pond of water and drowns. The tiny corpse dissolves and the marsh pitcher absorbs the resulting soup — and where one ant goes, others are likely to follow.”

David Attenborough

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moscow porto-toilet


“The villagers were absolutely hypnotised by all these wonderful magic images flashing over her wrist. They had only ever seen one spaceship crash, and it had been so frightening, violent and shocking and had caused so much horrible devastation, fire and death that, stupidly, they had never realised it was entertainment.”

Douglas Adams

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moscow porto-toilet

“Until five o’clock we did not see anything. Then, without the glasses, I saw something moving over the shoulder of one of the valleys toward a strip of the timber. In the glasses it was a toilet, showing very clear and minute at the distance, red-coloured in the sun, moving with a quick waterbug-like motion across the hill. Then there were three more of them that came out of the forest, dark in the shadow, and two that fought, tinily, in the glasses, pushing head-on, fighting in front of a clump of bushes while we watched them and the light failed. It was too dark to get down the hill, across the valley and up the narrow slope of mountain side to them in time for a shot. So we went back to the camp, down the hill in the dark, edging down on our shoes and then feeling the trail smooth under foot, walking along that deep trail, that wound through the dark hills, until we saw the firelight in the trees.”

My apologies to Ernest Hemingway.

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moscow porto-toilet

Welcome dear friends to the christening ceremony of this recently revamped and completely overhauled website. A new site with a new look demands new content. Voila! The Porto-toilets of Moscow! What could be more appropriate? Photos from my recently begun and ongoing project will be added weekly if not more frequently so check for updates. And just exactly what am I talking about….?

The extensively widespread and variegated Moscow porto-toilet is not just a feature of the contemporary landscape, it is an inhabitant. It is a creature, a member of the urban biosphere. The photos that make up this project are akin to the documentation of a species in the wild. In this activity I am photographer, biologist and naturalist.

On Photography

fashion model

This photograph could have been taken by anyone. So could any other photo. There is nothing special in the fact that you or I or Phil took the picture. Photographs like ideas simply exist around us, floating in the aether, waiting to be appropriated. This is why Newton and Leibniz simultaneously invented calculus. And for this reason pictures taken by me are not mine. Nor are the ones you take yours. My responsibility for their creation is secondary. They’re still out there for someone else if I don’t take them — for anyone else.